these days that remind me of my Dad and turn me into a blubbering mess. I thought things would get easier with time, but they haven't. Instead I find myself crying more and more. Maybe it's because it has been so long since I saw him and I am missing him so much. Maybe it's because it's the girls and my mum's birthdays this month and it's the first ones he has missed. Or it could be that Fathers Day is only a few weeks away and I am just not ready to handle that. It could even be a combination of all of these things.
Today at work I was looking in my handbag for something and in the side pocket which I never use there was a photo of dad (the one we used at the funeral) and the Eulogy that Gerard wrote for him. It was never read at the funeral but Gerard gave it to me and I must have put it in my bag in Sydney and forgotten it was there. So of course in the middle of the lunch room with the girl from work sitting there I pulled out this photo and just started to cry - totally unexpected.
I often wonder how long it will be before I can look at a photo of him or watch an old video and not cry . I hope it is soon because I really want to remember all of the happy stuff but I just can't get past my pain yet. I can't stop thinking of the last time I saw him and how awful it was to watch him go. I am so glad that I decided not to let the girls come then, because if these memories torture me so much I hate to think of what they would do to an 8 and 10 year old.
Anyway, now I'm just rambling so I will leave it at that. But it feels better to get it out even if nobody is listening.